Here is to you Grampa

So, last night my grandfather died. Grampy, Grampa…  It wasn’t what you would call abrupt, we all could see it coming.  But at the same time it was.  He seemed to be doing better just a couple weeks ago.  I decided that I wanted to write down what I’m going through right now and my last few nights with him.  I don’t want to forget them.  I also want to share the love that we all have for him.  Thanks to everyone who has sent their good wishes and prayers.  It means a lot to me that you are reading this.  I feel like a good way to honor him is to share how great he is with the world.

Two nights ago I visited him at the nursing home where he has been.  Only the way in I saw my great grandmother and my great aunts and uncle on their way out.  Nana T got out of the car and gave me a big hug.  She tried comforting me.  I didn’t really think I needed it.  I wasn’t overwhelmingly upset.  Yes, I was sad that he wasn’t doing well.  But he was still here.  I felt like I wanted to help her and make her feel better… Maybe it was the same way for her.  Getting to his room he was sharing it with some other guy.  There was a curtain between the two sides of the room, Gammpy had the side with the window.  He was laying in bed with oxygen going into his nose… I held back tears for a while, but there is only so much you can do.  Eventually as I sat down next to him they leaked out.  My Aunt, Uncle, Mother, Step Dad, and Grandmother were all there.  Looking back on it you could tell he was loved.  I had just got there and there were already 10 of us who had been there to see him in the last 10 minutes.  I was able to stop the tears after a minute.

While we were there talk of what we did in the past came up of course, as people remember the good times.  He was the one who taught me how to drive.  He called me Baba for years.  Long after I could remember that is what my brother called me when I was born… He couldn’t say baby brother yet.  I wanted to be there for my grandmother.  I couldn’t. I can’t Imagine how it is for her.  I went for a few walks with my grandmother around the home.  I held her hand as we went.  She told me as we got to the corner overlooking the a glass doorway how they would go down there for some quiet sometimes.  She was worn and torn on what to do.  Go home for the night (or part of it) and get as much rest as she can or stay by his side for the night in case something happens.  My advice to her was that no matter what the next few days were going to be rough.  She would need as much rest as she could get.  I think it made her feel better.  Although she was still undecided.

We went back to the room and there were moments of people talking broken up by the silence of people remembering, caring, and trying to hold back tears.  This continued for the few hours I was there.  Bob drove me home that night.  But I had my moment alone with him before we left.

I was able to tell him in short what I wasn’t able to work up the courage to do for the last 7 months since I’ve been home from Canada.  He hadn’t been able to talk much since I had been home. Although looking back on it he was still able to have a short back and forth back then.  I had wanted to tell him how much I loved him and that I knew he was proud of me and that he loved me.  I wanted to let him know that I knew that, even if he wasn’t able to say it at the time.  Sure enough every time I saw him out of a hospital he did tell me he loved me before we said goodbye with a hug.  I was always sure to give him a hug.  I didn’t want to just give him a hand shake.  I had thought for months about everything I wanted to let him know.  But all I could muster as I said goodbye that night was Thank You for everything.  I love you.  Good-Bye… But it didn’t bother me.  Because I knew he knew everything I wanted to tell him.

I had told my mother to give me a call at any time if something happened.  My grandmother did end up trying to get some sleep at home that night.  But I remembered her not being thrilled that my mom would be the one there if anything happened.  Not because she didn’t want her there.  But because she didn’t like the idea of her children having to go through it.

I got home and remembered how I had felt when I came home from school the last couple of years.  Growing up he was the main male role model.  My dad dying when I was 6 left him as the one who I could look up to.  It was easy, after all everyone did… he was 6’8”.  Tall, strong, able to do anything, fix anything.  And he was always there when you needed him.  He was my grandfather so he was already old right?  I never thought that he would grow so weak.  I would help him put his coat on since he had trouble doing it in the last few months.  It would hit me every now and then what was happening.  The man who was super strong and was now growing weak.  Moments when I realized this really hit me.  I never thought they would come.  He was always happy.  Never mean.  Always kind and joking.  Every time I would say I was hanging out with Kevin Potter.  He would joke and say “oh, Harry’s Brother”.

I’m glad I know I did him proud.  I always did well in school.  I worked on a game to help end violence against women and flew all over working on it, including to the UN.  Graduated with honors from college and had a job afterwards.  I never felt like I ever disappointed him.  I don’t know if I could, he loved me so much.

I went to bed that night and went to work.  I told a few people there that I would probably be missing a few day soon because my grandfather wasn’t doing well.  A release was coming up and I had some work to do.  But they were supportive.  They said do whatever you need to.  Head home, be with family, or you can work at home if you would like.  I had told my boss when I started that one of the main reasons for returning from Canada was due to “Family Health”.  I’m glad I did return.  I’ve never really regretted my decision to come home.  But now I’m really glad I did.  I was the only of his grandkids that he was able to visit at their own apartment and have dinner with them.

 I ended up staying the entire day at work and then some to get things done.  That day I got a text from Kim saying she was thinking about me.  Of course, my phone was on vibrate and my heart jumped.  I could tell if it was a text or the call from my mother with bad news.  I felt like sending Kim back something saying thanks, but please don’t contact me unless it is an urgent.  You tend to freak out when you’re expecting a call from your mother with bad news and your phone starts to vibrate.  I didn’t though.  I just wanted to finish my work so I could get home.  But I ended up staying late and she called me.  I ignored her call and did send her that text… she then called me a second later. I answer thinking bad things… She had dialed the wrong person.  That was a bit of a rollercoaster but I knew she cared.  I’ll be able to look back on that and laugh some day.  She felt really bad. I got home and she had made me a cake and dinner was basically ready.

That night (last night) I went back to see my grandfather again.  I drove there this time.  It had been raining all day, but it had slowed to a light shower by now.  We got there and went right in.  He had ice on his head and under his arms to keep his temperature down.  It was the same crowd as the night before at that point minus a Bob plus a Kim.  As we went in my uncle was going out for food and asked if we wanted anything.  We said no thanks.  We had just ate and had that cake.  He was still sleeping.  We didn’t expect him to wake up again.  I noticed his air tube was pinched under the wheel of his bed and yanked it out from under.  It was somewhat pinched but I pinched it to get it round again.  It was more of the same that night.

At one point I was alone in the room with my grandmother.  She was on his right and I was on his right.  Sitting next to his bed.  She asked me if I wanted some alone time to say something to her.  I said that I had something to say to her.  The night before I kept thinking about what she said about wanting to be there if anything happened not for it to be on her kid’s shoulders.  Across my grandfather I told her that she shouldn’t be upset about that.  But that she should be proud.  They had raised wonderful children I told her.  They are there for her.  They clearly did something right.  I told her that she shouldn’t be sad because of it.  But that she should be proud.  It was the two of them who made them so great and helped make me who I am today.  I felt like she needed to know that.  Maybe it would help her sleep that night to have a different mindset while leaving.  I originally wanted to take her for a short walk and tell her that.  But I’m glad we did it there with my grandfather there.  I realized as I was saying it that it wasn’t just for her, but for him as well.  I smiled as I realized this and a tear leaked down my face.  I’m glad he got to hear that.  She came over and sat next to me and gave me a hug.  She told me how proud they both were of me.  She told me how they had talked about how proud they were of all of us.

As the night went on, I remember my mother bumping into his feet that stuck out from the bottom of the bed.  I remember thinking they must have been cold.  The room was really warm.  When you walked in the room there was a wave of heat that hit you.  The windows were open and I occasionally got a nice cool breeze.  I remember our trips to Disney with them…  He was always there in my life.  We lived with them a while after my dad passed.  And even after that we only moved about a mile away from them.  I had many birthday celebrations my high school graduation party at their house.

At one point that night, He had opened his eyes and made some noise.  Everyone rushed to his side.  My grandmother had gone out for a walk and someone we to get her.  But, he quickly closed them and went back to his deep breathing.  This really hit everyone and you could tell.  We told him we were all there and that we loved him.

The sox game was on the tv.  I remember my grandmother asking who we were playing.  I forget now who it was but I remember her sawing “was it [so and so]”?  I remember thinking I heard my grandfather say “Yeah”.  I’m not sure if he really did or if it was just a heavy breath.  No one else seemed to hear it.  I was sitting the closest to him at that point.  In the past few months he had been getting worse and to less able to have a back and forth in a conversation.  But when he was there, he would occasionally answer questions like that.  You wouldn’t think he was paying attention, but then he would give join in the conversation like normal with a quick line or word.  I wonder if that is what he did then…

I stayed until a maybe 10:20/10:30.  My other uncle was just getting there as I walked out.  As I left I said goodbye to him.  I kissed his cheek and told him I was heading home and that I loved him.  His cheek was somewhat scratchy from his stubble…  I remember when we were young and my sister would give him a kiss she would comment on how he was scratchy.  He would shave just for her and tell her “I shaved right before you got here, just for you”.  It was a simple thing.  But he was the kind of man who would be sure to shave nice and fresh just to get a hug and a kiss from his only granddaughter.  Little did I know it then, but those were going to be my last words to him.  I’m glad they were good ones.  He didn’t really seem much worse than the night I saw him before.  He had come back from doing poorly (although never that poorly) before.  Maybe he would hang in for a bit longer.

I got home and got into bed.  I turned onto my side and closed my eyes. My phone rang… It was my Mom…. I answered half believing (or maybe just convincing myself) it wouldn’t be bad news.  I had just left there less than 30 minutes ago and he was no worse than he was the day before when I go there.  She held it together letting me know that he had just passed… … … She hadn’t told my brother or sister about it yet.  I asked if I should head back.  She said no and that she was going to be leaving some time soon.  As she was saying good-bye she started to cry.  I hung up the phone and just laid there for a bit.  I wasn’t crying.  I didn’t really know what or how to feel.  Kim was there for me and I knew it.  But I am not one for wanting to have people all over me when I’m trying to think.  She knew it and kept at an arms length.  I sat up said I’m heading into the living room to sit on the couch.  I got up, went up stairs and got my last glass bottle of coke.  I cracked it open and sat down on the couch.

I started to cry as I thought about everything.  I didn’t say anything.  I just sat there.  It took me a few tries, but I was able to raise my glass and get out a “To Grampy”.  Saying it outloud made the tears come a little more.

This morning I woke up and decided I would honor his memory by sharing some of my last memories of him.  Here is to you Grampa.  I love you and will always miss you.

Update #43

So Many weeks ago my Uncle reminded me that I have not updated my blog in over 6 months.

Now as I wait for the person to empty the dryer so I can switch laundry I will try to fill in what I have been up to since February.

I finished the spring semester struggling through one of my classes. I got a decent enough grade at the end but it was the hardest class I have ever taken. However on the bright side I had a blast with my roommates from France and hanging out with people in Montreal.

I got an internship up in Montreal as well working as a game programming intern at Artificial Mind & Movement. It was great. I got to put what I have been learning to use. I Can't say what I worked on but it was fun. I am going to apply a lot of it to my school work. Over the summer outside of work I did a lot less than I should have. I went to a few free concerts and hung out with some friends a handful of times at most. I wish I had done more to take advantage of being up there.

School has started again and it is looking like it will be a good year. I am living on campus and moved to a single room. All of my classes are appearing to be doable and shouldn't be that bad.

This was really brief but hopefully if I do them more frequently I will have more to put in them

Update #42

Since my last post I haven’t done a whole lot. I was doing a lot of homework the whole week. It wasn’t as bad as last week though. I’ll probably end up spending another 5 or so hours on it today.

Whenever I go out with my roommates and their friends I always have a blast. I will occasionally see something that is slightly different and it makes me happy. For example people count on their fingers with their thumb for 1. Small differences like this ensure me that I am in fact in a different culture (or at least hanging out with a different culture). In the last few weeks it has been pointed out to me twice in two different ways that the U.S. is different from many places in the world when it comes to guns and gun control. A few weeks ago one of my Canadian teachers was telling us how they have much lower murder rates in their cities than in the U.S. and he guessed the fact that no one was allowed to carry a weapon was the reason why. Then a German girl asked me if I knew anyone who owned a gun. I said of course. I had never thought that it would be such an odd thing to people. I explained the second amendment and how the reason we are allowed to goes back to revolutionary war time ideas of how if needed the people could form a militia.

Another thing that has come up a lot is what people see from the American culture. I have heard a few times references to MTV shows such as my super sweet 16. I am assured by people that this is not what they think of America and that they know not all Americans are like this. However, it still makes me wonder what effect it has. I will always try to make it clear that most people are not like that at all.

Update #41

So I have been in Montreal for just under a month now. It has been both really fun and really challenging at the same time. Every week brings something new.

The first week I learned to love the metro and underground city. Since then I have explored a lot more and I have now taken the city bus once. It is a really big change from the suburbs where I grew up. I have always wondered how it would be possible for an adult to function without a car. They had to go to work, get groceries, and everything else. I now would see how people can function that way. If I lived in Montreal I probably wouldn’t

My classes are proving to be a challenge this semester. One class is really hurting my time. I have spent more than 15 hours on it in the last week. I’m not sure how this will go if I continue to have to do this much work for that class. I have two other classes that I would really like to put time into but have not had the chance due to the amount of time that this one takes. Other than other classes I would also like to be able to do things such as go out or go on trips for the weekend without it hurting my ability to complete assignments. In short I am putting more than 35 hours into homework alone. Then I have classes on top of that. It is hard to find time for fun things.

However I am determined to enjoy my time up here so I have made time to do some fun things. Last weekend I went snowboarding for the first time in 2 years. That was fun. I was surprised at how well I did considering that I had only gone 4 or 5 times before. That was a fun trip. A bunch of students went. It was somewhat organized through McGill, a school up here. A group of students from there rented out a bus and planned the trip. I was invited to join by my roommates who were going. I met a bunch of new people there and was relieved when I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t that great at it going down the mountain. So we stuck to greens for the most part.

I have been hanging out with my roommates whenever I get the chance. It is really fun. I am beginning to get better at knowing what they are saying. I am also much better at knowing where in a conversation flow they are. When I first got up here I felt like I would interrupt them in the middle of something because I didn’t know if they were still talking about something or if that part of a conversation had ended. There are a bunch of things that I am learning about France from them. For example the yellow school busses that I grew up with as a kid was not something they had. When we went to go snowboarding last weekend they said it was their first time that they had been on a bus like that. It was something that they see in all of our movies but they never used them as kids.

On Tuesday I wondered around for a few hours exploring the underground city looking for a new heavy coat. I had already had one that I like to wear when I go to the slopes or play in the snow but I got one that I felt I would wear around the city more. I feel like it helps me blend into the culture a bit more too.

This weekend I went to Quebec City for Carnival. It was a much needed break from that week of homework that I had been doing (and I am returning to when I get back. I am currently on the bus home). We stayed at a nice hotel that seems like it was in the center of all the stuff we went to see. The first night that we were there we went out to eat and I tried alligator pizza. I figured that it is something that I probably won’t get the chance to do again anytime soon so I should take it. The next morning we went to the ice hotel. It was a hotel made entirely of ice and snow. It was pretty cool because it is one of those things that you see on the travel channel and I actually got to see it. After that we went back to the hotel and then we headed out to Carnival. Carnival is a 3 week celebration that they have in Quebec City every winter. The lines were huge. We were only able to get a few rides in before we went back to the Hotel to get warm again. I think it would have been much better if the lines weren’t so long. I am glad I brought the clothes I did though. I had snow boots, pants, and my Jacket. It was nice because I could just jump into the snow and slide down hills without getting wet. The last day we were there we toured around the older city areas. It was pretty touristy but it was neat to see that part of Canada.

I am adjusting to the concept that I am in a place that has the primary language of French. While most people can and do speak English, I want to get better at my French so I can use that too.

I also got some great news the other day. I will now have an internship in Montreal this summer at a game development studio. It is a great opportunity for me (and my friend Bryan who also got an internship). I was thinking about it. I am going to be working 37.5 hours a week (basically 40). That is the equivalent of 4 classes worth of experience (assuming I spend 10 hours a week in class and doing homework for that class and my internship is 16 weeks long). That is a ton of experience. I feel like after that summer internship when I return to school I will be at another level of experience. I will have the chance to work with other people’s code and hopefully pick up on some good coding practices from experienced coders as well. It is a paid position too. I just need to get some visa stuff worked out and I think that I will be set.

This means that I will be in Montreal for the summer. I will have to do some apartment hunting. I know that I can probably stay in the dorm where I am now for $550 a month but I am going to see what better options I have. Apparently, down the street from us is where a lot of summer activities happen. So we are in a good spot for doing things. I hope that I will be able to get much better at French by the time this happens.

Well I am sure I am forgetting a bunch of stuff but this is probably a long enough read already.

Update #40

I am currently in Montreal for the semester and classes started on Monday. I have had 3 of my 5 classes so far and I am waiting for my 4th one to start. They all seem interesting so far but my two programming ones are the ones I have yet to have.

I am living with two very nice French girls this semester. While I don't know French very well I will still stay around as they have conversations with their friends. I understand enough of it to make it an interesting experience. It is also very fun to be there while they have friends over. Whenever I have no clue what they are talking about I'll just ask them and they will paraphrase it in English. I do not regret living with them in the least and I am very glad I choose to do so. There is a piece of paper on the wall where we write French and English phrases. So far there are 3 or 4 new ones since I got here. These include how to say I'm going upstairs and I'm going to class. It is a blast living with them.

The city is also fun so far. I've been taking the metro and enjoying the underground city. It is great that I can get from point A to point B without having to go outside the much.

So far my work load is very little since I my classes are still starting up and I have yet to have a programming assignment. So I have free time. It is an odd feeling that I sure will go away when classes get into full swing.

Update #39

So it has been a while since I last got a blog out. The last 2 weeks of class have been busy. However, while it is not over yet, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. In fact I am writing this as I am on the bus back to spinner. I hope to be done with everything by the end of Saturday so that I can prepare for my trip on Monday.

Not only do I need to pack for when I leave to go to St. Lucia, I need to pack to go home for winter break. This means that I will need to get everything ready to go home.

I can’t wait for break. I have been waiting for this semester to be over since the 3rd week. I will enjoy my break. No work, no classes. I only need to prep for moving to Montreal next semester. This shouldn’t be too bad since it means that I just take everything I am bring home next week back to Canada.

I have my schedule for next semester now too. It turned out to be pretty good considering I didn’t choose the times that I had the classes. Fridays and Wednesdays off, one class Tuesday, two classes on Thursday, three classes on Monday for a total of about 9 hours I think that day alone. I need to get my books for them sometime soon now that I think about it.

So I am still alive just very busy.

Update #38

School has been going reasonably well lately. Nothing to bad has happened. I actually got an extension on a paper for one of my classes. Which was good because when I was originally going to do it I got sick. Other than that I haven't been up to too much. I went to an improv comedy show on Saturday that was pretty good. I had seen the group 2 times before then so I knew I would like it. I also had another climbing lesson. This time it was through the club. It was on basic climbing technique. I was happy that over the last year I have picked most of them up on my own. It was good to get a refresher on the basics though.