Here is to you Grampa

So, last night my grandfather died. Grampy, Grampa…  It wasn’t what you would call abrupt, we all could see it coming.  But at the same time it was.  He seemed to be doing better just a couple weeks ago.  I decided that I wanted to write down what I’m going through right now and my last few nights with him.  I don’t want to forget them.  I also want to share the love that we all have for him.  Thanks to everyone who has sent their good wishes and prayers.  It means a lot to me that you are reading this.  I feel like a good way to honor him is to share how great he is with the world.

Two nights ago I visited him at the nursing home where he has been.  Only the way in I saw my great grandmother and my great aunts and uncle on their way out.  Nana T got out of the car and gave me a big hug.  She tried comforting me.  I didn’t really think I needed it.  I wasn’t overwhelmingly upset.  Yes, I was sad that he wasn’t doing well.  But he was still here.  I felt like I wanted to help her and make her feel better… Maybe it was the same way for her.  Getting to his room he was sharing it with some other guy.  There was a curtain between the two sides of the room, Gammpy had the side with the window.  He was laying in bed with oxygen going into his nose… I held back tears for a while, but there is only so much you can do.  Eventually as I sat down next to him they leaked out.  My Aunt, Uncle, Mother, Step Dad, and Grandmother were all there.  Looking back on it you could tell he was loved.  I had just got there and there were already 10 of us who had been there to see him in the last 10 minutes.  I was able to stop the tears after a minute.

While we were there talk of what we did in the past came up of course, as people remember the good times.  He was the one who taught me how to drive.  He called me Baba for years.  Long after I could remember that is what my brother called me when I was born… He couldn’t say baby brother yet.  I wanted to be there for my grandmother.  I couldn’t. I can’t Imagine how it is for her.  I went for a few walks with my grandmother around the home.  I held her hand as we went.  She told me as we got to the corner overlooking the a glass doorway how they would go down there for some quiet sometimes.  She was worn and torn on what to do.  Go home for the night (or part of it) and get as much rest as she can or stay by his side for the night in case something happens.  My advice to her was that no matter what the next few days were going to be rough.  She would need as much rest as she could get.  I think it made her feel better.  Although she was still undecided.

We went back to the room and there were moments of people talking broken up by the silence of people remembering, caring, and trying to hold back tears.  This continued for the few hours I was there.  Bob drove me home that night.  But I had my moment alone with him before we left.

I was able to tell him in short what I wasn’t able to work up the courage to do for the last 7 months since I’ve been home from Canada.  He hadn’t been able to talk much since I had been home. Although looking back on it he was still able to have a short back and forth back then.  I had wanted to tell him how much I loved him and that I knew he was proud of me and that he loved me.  I wanted to let him know that I knew that, even if he wasn’t able to say it at the time.  Sure enough every time I saw him out of a hospital he did tell me he loved me before we said goodbye with a hug.  I was always sure to give him a hug.  I didn’t want to just give him a hand shake.  I had thought for months about everything I wanted to let him know.  But all I could muster as I said goodbye that night was Thank You for everything.  I love you.  Good-Bye… But it didn’t bother me.  Because I knew he knew everything I wanted to tell him.

I had told my mother to give me a call at any time if something happened.  My grandmother did end up trying to get some sleep at home that night.  But I remembered her not being thrilled that my mom would be the one there if anything happened.  Not because she didn’t want her there.  But because she didn’t like the idea of her children having to go through it.

I got home and remembered how I had felt when I came home from school the last couple of years.  Growing up he was the main male role model.  My dad dying when I was 6 left him as the one who I could look up to.  It was easy, after all everyone did… he was 6’8”.  Tall, strong, able to do anything, fix anything.  And he was always there when you needed him.  He was my grandfather so he was already old right?  I never thought that he would grow so weak.  I would help him put his coat on since he had trouble doing it in the last few months.  It would hit me every now and then what was happening.  The man who was super strong and was now growing weak.  Moments when I realized this really hit me.  I never thought they would come.  He was always happy.  Never mean.  Always kind and joking.  Every time I would say I was hanging out with Kevin Potter.  He would joke and say “oh, Harry’s Brother”.

I’m glad I know I did him proud.  I always did well in school.  I worked on a game to help end violence against women and flew all over working on it, including to the UN.  Graduated with honors from college and had a job afterwards.  I never felt like I ever disappointed him.  I don’t know if I could, he loved me so much.

I went to bed that night and went to work.  I told a few people there that I would probably be missing a few day soon because my grandfather wasn’t doing well.  A release was coming up and I had some work to do.  But they were supportive.  They said do whatever you need to.  Head home, be with family, or you can work at home if you would like.  I had told my boss when I started that one of the main reasons for returning from Canada was due to “Family Health”.  I’m glad I did return.  I’ve never really regretted my decision to come home.  But now I’m really glad I did.  I was the only of his grandkids that he was able to visit at their own apartment and have dinner with them.

 I ended up staying the entire day at work and then some to get things done.  That day I got a text from Kim saying she was thinking about me.  Of course, my phone was on vibrate and my heart jumped.  I could tell if it was a text or the call from my mother with bad news.  I felt like sending Kim back something saying thanks, but please don’t contact me unless it is an urgent.  You tend to freak out when you’re expecting a call from your mother with bad news and your phone starts to vibrate.  I didn’t though.  I just wanted to finish my work so I could get home.  But I ended up staying late and she called me.  I ignored her call and did send her that text… she then called me a second later. I answer thinking bad things… She had dialed the wrong person.  That was a bit of a rollercoaster but I knew she cared.  I’ll be able to look back on that and laugh some day.  She felt really bad. I got home and she had made me a cake and dinner was basically ready.

That night (last night) I went back to see my grandfather again.  I drove there this time.  It had been raining all day, but it had slowed to a light shower by now.  We got there and went right in.  He had ice on his head and under his arms to keep his temperature down.  It was the same crowd as the night before at that point minus a Bob plus a Kim.  As we went in my uncle was going out for food and asked if we wanted anything.  We said no thanks.  We had just ate and had that cake.  He was still sleeping.  We didn’t expect him to wake up again.  I noticed his air tube was pinched under the wheel of his bed and yanked it out from under.  It was somewhat pinched but I pinched it to get it round again.  It was more of the same that night.

At one point I was alone in the room with my grandmother.  She was on his right and I was on his right.  Sitting next to his bed.  She asked me if I wanted some alone time to say something to her.  I said that I had something to say to her.  The night before I kept thinking about what she said about wanting to be there if anything happened not for it to be on her kid’s shoulders.  Across my grandfather I told her that she shouldn’t be upset about that.  But that she should be proud.  They had raised wonderful children I told her.  They are there for her.  They clearly did something right.  I told her that she shouldn’t be sad because of it.  But that she should be proud.  It was the two of them who made them so great and helped make me who I am today.  I felt like she needed to know that.  Maybe it would help her sleep that night to have a different mindset while leaving.  I originally wanted to take her for a short walk and tell her that.  But I’m glad we did it there with my grandfather there.  I realized as I was saying it that it wasn’t just for her, but for him as well.  I smiled as I realized this and a tear leaked down my face.  I’m glad he got to hear that.  She came over and sat next to me and gave me a hug.  She told me how proud they both were of me.  She told me how they had talked about how proud they were of all of us.

As the night went on, I remember my mother bumping into his feet that stuck out from the bottom of the bed.  I remember thinking they must have been cold.  The room was really warm.  When you walked in the room there was a wave of heat that hit you.  The windows were open and I occasionally got a nice cool breeze.  I remember our trips to Disney with them…  He was always there in my life.  We lived with them a while after my dad passed.  And even after that we only moved about a mile away from them.  I had many birthday celebrations my high school graduation party at their house.

At one point that night, He had opened his eyes and made some noise.  Everyone rushed to his side.  My grandmother had gone out for a walk and someone we to get her.  But, he quickly closed them and went back to his deep breathing.  This really hit everyone and you could tell.  We told him we were all there and that we loved him.

The sox game was on the tv.  I remember my grandmother asking who we were playing.  I forget now who it was but I remember her sawing “was it [so and so]”?  I remember thinking I heard my grandfather say “Yeah”.  I’m not sure if he really did or if it was just a heavy breath.  No one else seemed to hear it.  I was sitting the closest to him at that point.  In the past few months he had been getting worse and to less able to have a back and forth in a conversation.  But when he was there, he would occasionally answer questions like that.  You wouldn’t think he was paying attention, but then he would give join in the conversation like normal with a quick line or word.  I wonder if that is what he did then…

I stayed until a maybe 10:20/10:30.  My other uncle was just getting there as I walked out.  As I left I said goodbye to him.  I kissed his cheek and told him I was heading home and that I loved him.  His cheek was somewhat scratchy from his stubble…  I remember when we were young and my sister would give him a kiss she would comment on how he was scratchy.  He would shave just for her and tell her “I shaved right before you got here, just for you”.  It was a simple thing.  But he was the kind of man who would be sure to shave nice and fresh just to get a hug and a kiss from his only granddaughter.  Little did I know it then, but those were going to be my last words to him.  I’m glad they were good ones.  He didn’t really seem much worse than the night I saw him before.  He had come back from doing poorly (although never that poorly) before.  Maybe he would hang in for a bit longer.

I got home and got into bed.  I turned onto my side and closed my eyes. My phone rang… It was my Mom…. I answered half believing (or maybe just convincing myself) it wouldn’t be bad news.  I had just left there less than 30 minutes ago and he was no worse than he was the day before when I go there.  She held it together letting me know that he had just passed… … … She hadn’t told my brother or sister about it yet.  I asked if I should head back.  She said no and that she was going to be leaving some time soon.  As she was saying good-bye she started to cry.  I hung up the phone and just laid there for a bit.  I wasn’t crying.  I didn’t really know what or how to feel.  Kim was there for me and I knew it.  But I am not one for wanting to have people all over me when I’m trying to think.  She knew it and kept at an arms length.  I sat up said I’m heading into the living room to sit on the couch.  I got up, went up stairs and got my last glass bottle of coke.  I cracked it open and sat down on the couch.

I started to cry as I thought about everything.  I didn’t say anything.  I just sat there.  It took me a few tries, but I was able to raise my glass and get out a “To Grampy”.  Saying it outloud made the tears come a little more.

This morning I woke up and decided I would honor his memory by sharing some of my last memories of him.  Here is to you Grampa.  I love you and will always miss you.